Scaffolding
Asking for help is a form of self care.
Let’s talk about scaffolding. You know - that unattractive, temporary stuff that construction crews use when they are building or repairing things. Scaffolding is important - it is how crews safely move resources around a construction site. If done incorrectly, scaffolding can cause serious injury or death. Cheerful, right?
I think there is something beautiful about the idea of scaffolding being temporary. A short-term solution to a short-term need. Something constructed for a specific purpose, then removed - leaving behind something strong and sturdy.
If you guessed this was headed towards a metaphor, you are correct.
It is important to identify the scaffolding in our lives. The people, places, and things that hold us up and help us out when we need it.
As an astute academic, I googled “when do you need scaffolding” and the first answer was: “Any building that is being built, demolished or substantially repaired is likely to require scaffolding.” Yes to all of this.
Building. When starting something new (like a new job) or learning something new, it is so important to have trusted confidants that you can lean on to show you the ropes (and where the bathrooms are), answer all your questions (including the really obvious ones), and set you on a path for success. In these moments, scaffolding can be the difference between success and failure.
Demolishing. When you experience failure or loss you may find that a different subset of scaffolding show up to help guide you through. Maybe for you that relief comes from quiet, private contemplation or maybe it is a wild night out with your friends. Maybe it is a listening ear or hearing real talk from someone unafraid to give it. On the darkest days, this support helps you find the light.
Repairing. When you are experiencing change (especially the really uncomfortable kind), it helps to surround yourself with patient and understanding scaffolding. This includes when you are growing personally or professionally as you move through your life and career. In these instances, the infrastructure you envelop yourself in may see the work in progress behind the curtain but does not exploit it; rather, it encourages the beautiful thing it knows you will become.
Then of course, the question becomes how do we know when it is time to take the scaffolding down?
When you are ready. You do not need to rush. Scaffolding can be in place for hours, days, weeks, months, and even years. Sometimes it just gets weathered and comes down on its own when no one is paying attention, and no one misses it.
When it no longer serves you. At some point, you may realize that your scaffolding is hiding you from view and restricting your ability to shine. When that happens, take it down.
In sections, and not all at once. As you build, demolish, or repair, scaffolding can shift around - it can become bigger or smaller or move to different areas. Maybe your needs change in sections, and that is okay.
When you need it somewhere else. Maybe we are more like cities than buildings and the scaffolding is just moving around to the different parts of us that need work, but always there.
For me the bottom line here is that it is okay (even encouraged!) to ask for help, that you do not have to figure everything out on your own, and that support can manifest itself in different ways if you open yourself up to receiving it.
As a parting thought, if you can, take time to thank your scaffolding. While I doubt butterflies look over their shoulders as they fly away to thank their cocoon for keeping them safe through change, if you can do so, you should. Often times the people and places that support us are quiet, subtle, unexpected, or even unseen - so we may not be able to extend gratitude in all instances, but if you recognize that you have received stability from another source, acknowledge it.
*The idea of human scaffolding came to me from a Reply All podcast on how people are coping with COVID called “Pandemic be Damned”.